Rando-mize:

This surfaced and was too good not to share.

Circa: 1993 Here we are. What a day, + we look like wrecks. + what of it? 

i was art directing. We had stopped for a ‘buddy’ shot during the plexi-painting photo. From left, someone-you-know, Ann Cunningham, Terry Koepsel + Lonnie Hanzon, looking as though he is trying to talk photographer, John Mueller, out of this one.

ME: Any monkey can do what i do…

LONNIE: Well, that may be true, but do you realize how long it would take to train a monkey?

‘Drew is listening to the song One More Day from Les Miz (colloq.) when his sister comes in asking  hurried questions about this and that.

He raises his eyes to heaven in mock disgust, The moment is ruined! START IT AGAIN!

He cracks me up.

The only part of costuming i do not like is taking the time opening safety pins.

Where there are possibilities of too many double letters in one word, i usually get the spelling wrong.

+ another thing, the ‘i e’ rule doesn’t.

Matching furniture is a clue to adulthood.

i wonder about many things ...  not in the least is, when did my generation get use to listening to mini sound speakers instead of the steady boom of a Klipsh Belle?

 

Chloe-ism.

Chloe is running from clock to clock in every room trying to account for the lost minutes.

While ‘Drew is listening to a loop of the intro credits to The Good, the Bad, and the Ugly, staring into the you tube box figuring out how it was done pre-cg.

For three men the civil war wasn’t hell, it was practice.

Fucking cool.

Oh, i mean, it’s a well done movie, sure.

Remember, when you have lost your patience, stop, + wait a few breaths longer.

i thought Chloe was trying her hand at Beat poetry...
until she told me this was her spelling list.

Same concept, different scene.

By all accounts i have spent most of my life in a  reverie, of sorts.  Somewhere between vague wake and sleep. i catch myself checking if i’m on the right side of the yellow line or glancing at the clock just in time to do something i’ve promised.

i reckon it is just my disposition. The slipstream is not a bad place to be, better than some. i'm not spacey as i have a trail of work to prove manifestation + a career to track. None the less, it would be nice to have the chance to choose.

If a little dreaming is dangerous, the cure for it is not to dream less but to dream more, to dream all the time.  -Marcel Proust

Just got off deadline with the Magic Flute, the only opera you’ll not find me crying-over in the wings. Near the pit door was a free zone of sorts. i recognize it, having first met a free zone while living in the Vulcan Foundry in Oakland. People placed gently or dumped things they no longer wanted. Of course it was all art + production genre goods: stretchers, sample clothing, used canvas … This pile by the back stage door was of a different nature + mostly unidentifiable, accepting, an empty pizza box, Bose speakers w/ a nest of wire, a half full Listerine bottle. Nothing i would pick up + carry home. Just saying.

i know all of you know this, but that operatic scatting has a formal name. Mellisma. Said w/ an Italian accent. It’s what the Queen of the Night does in Act II. i always thought that was a happy little song, but what she is doing is arguing her daughter into murder.

Have i mentioned the use of panic to calm hysteria?

Chloe has been patrolling the hallways.
Here’s the tickets she issues if something seems suspiciously off.

Later on a drive she notices,
That character in the car behind us looks guilty.

Well at least he has a nice car.

That's why he looks guilty.

Which reminds me of driving, fast or slow? There is something about driving 65 mph that triggers the road-trip gene conditioning in me as a young girl.

If you live near family then you can travel to exotic places + not feel guilty on vacation. i learned this too late.

The key of A is suppose to be the most relaxing.
An car rumbles in the key of A. Greatful Dead music resonance with a car engine. 

Never road trip w/ the station wagon back rear window open.

i awoke this morning from a dream. We had all been walking in streets, all wearing tee shirts that read,

I FORGOT TO GET THE GODFOOD.

If only it in had some deeper meaing.

I want to be the kind of artist that doesn’t work for anyone.  -Chloe

-He Spoke in Riddles or Not at All; We Tied, Neither Playing Fair.

Ok, so why hasn't anyone TOLD me this was such a sad song?

And kind of mean, too.

Chloe wanted to learn the rest of the song + so,
looked it up to copy it down.

i'm realizing that i haven't been posting much work.
i do put out a good amount of work, but have not been throwing it up on the screen.
i reckon its been a bit real-life lately. i'll correct this oversight.

Soon.

Inside a repro of Lenny's hall of mirrors.

He reproduced himself with so much humble objectivity, with the unquestioning, matter of fact interest of a dog who sees himself in a mirror and thinks: there's another dog.  -Rainer Maria Rilke

I look in the mirror and say to myself, Can it be you once played Romeo? -Bela Lugosi

Let us be grateful to the mirror for revealing to us our appearance only. -Samuel Butler

Sister + i would sit in the attic w/ the dull winter light glancing in through the mutton barred glass. Staring at each other until we took on another form. So deeply frightening neither could move for fear it may be real. Years later i came across a passage of Dylan Thomas describing the same thing. Mr. Thomas called it Invoking The Devil. i knew immediately what he meant.  

-Script for a Practicing Artist and an Unfinished Life.

Why do you have such bad handwriting, when you can draw so well?  

-Chloe

i get energy + inspiration from working on something completely different.

Want to work costume ideas? Illustrate a mandala.
Want a book theme? Sculpt the Mona Lisa.
Color story? Take off your glasses and make the lines disappear.

me: Hey, i just found an old scrap file named 'cities', in my writing ... it’s spelled wrong.

Lonnie: Well, if it were spelled right, we’d know it was a forgery.

...good luck will rub off when you shakes hands with me...
 -Bert  + we thought that was only coal dust.

It’s time to do the shuffle + purge, again.

A random memory just flew by.
Years ago i knew a woman selling fabric goods at a hip store named Poppies in Berkeley. She had this conversation w/ her roommate one night that;

Geee it was busy, we sold so many notions today.

You sell Notions?

Why yes, we do.

Notions.

Yea.

Wow... you... sell....Notions...

Obviously he was thinking on the lines of Sometimes a Great...

+ why yes, it is a burden to carry other people memories.

Okay, so here's what i wanted to ask.

Am i the only one who saw the film Where the Wild Things Are, + turned it into an Ingmar Bergman film? It really was not that big of a jump.

So, i read into things. It’s one of my faults. It’s not as though i shoot smack.

i introduced the kids to Limelight. Synopsis: A young ballerina is a mess because she can’t get her career started. Cavalero, an aging train wreck of a vaudevillian, is at the end of his. Every line seems to have weight to it, reading as Chaplin’s essay on how to live without regrets. It is an autobiographical bittersweet film spoken in a lyrical voice.

The kids had seen it three years ago but understood more this time around.  

The coming of age as a blooming metaphoric understanding. The year you realized that the scarecrow, tin man and lion ARE the farm hands. (Sorry if I just blew that for some of you.) It happens to every single child (in us all) + there is a proverbial line drawn at that time. This instance becomes a gateway drug to harder symbolism.

-Chloe + Drew quickly tracing as the writing comes up. 

She had done horrible things to every pet she had ever owned.

And she would do horrible things to you, too.

Some stories don't have a clear beginning, middle, and end. Life is about not knowing, having to change, taking the moment and making the best of it, without knowing what's going to happen next. Delicious ambiguity.  - Gilda Radner

NEVER trust a talking bug. - Chloe Mae

When fear steps in, there are no boundaries.

Even with only two, i can occasionally feel like mother Hubbard + not know what to do. Having one of each means sooner or later i’ll come up against every combination of gender joy, toil + trouble. i’m broiled into thinking of how to get ‘Drew excused from the draft, even though it's ten years and a WW away. i’m hoping that the refusal to spar in Karate class + walking out on two (so far) violent adventure flicks will count toward a C.O. status when the time comes. 

Drew + i where talking about following rules:

-If you look suspicious try not to say bomb at the airport. 

-If your going to speed while driving try to have your paperwork up to date. 

-If you are going to harass someone in another country try to know how to apologize in the native tongue.

The subject turned to temperaments of young friends. It is easier for ‘Drew to understand black + white filling in the mid-tones as they come up. If someone is not civil even after you try the mirror method, think again. You can make as many excuses as there are people. Bad day, up on the wrong, toothache. Remember the fact you already know, sometimes folks aren't in a phase, they are just that. A person you can’t take probably doesn't want to be taken.

There are lots of reasons to cry.
It would fill 4 or 5 books just to list the why's.
-Chloe Mae

It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one’s mouth and remove all doubt.  -Mark Twain.

i am not afraid.

Dream of shuffling the scripture.

Sign on the pearly gate, We have the divine right not to serve anyone. i’m thinking ...Who’s sign is this anyway?

A sputter. Religion largely assumes we exist + that we are spiritual beings w/ a direct propose.

Questioning belittles faith. i do believe on a sanctified level we are not at all that different + so to put much energy into worrying about the hereafter life may be time not well spent + possibly wasted. Being spiritual about the herenow plane, though, has benefits. Spirit creator, spirit redeemer, all spirit w/in us. 

words & excuses / loop knot / slip knot...ooops!
A question crawls out of the question before. 

Ask the kids and they will answer:
i don't think Jesus is in heaven anymore, that was a long time ago.  -ANHH

Maybe we cant remember what heaven was like before we were born because it’s the same as here.  -CMHH

...Are to...not...are too...am not...you are to...Are too...am not...are too...am not ...you are
...Are too...am not...are too...am ...are not...Are too...I am not...are too...am...you are to
...Are too...not...are too...am...you are to...Are too...am not...are too...am...you are to...Are too...am not...are too...am...you are to...not...are too...am not...you are to...Are too...am not...are too...am not ...you are...Are too...am not...are too...am ...are not...Are too...I am not...are too...am...you are to...Are too...not...are too...am...you are to...Are too...am not...are too...am...you are to...Are too...am not...are too...am...you are to...

Scout meeting. The boys each in turn sounded off what he wanted to be.

A marine meteorologist, a dancer, a paleontologist, an archaeological anthropologist, an engineer, a biological anthropologist, an archaeological anthropologist, a Linguist, + a few things i had to look up. in a heartbeat, my son said a super hero — w/ just as much conviction as the rest.

When it was my turn i mentioned that there once was a football goal kicker named Ray Wersching, who always looked down entering the ball field, never toward where he was kicking. The quarterback aimed him in the right direction + Ray lifted his head only after the kick. They didn’t believe me. i don’t know why, it seemed important for them to know.

They are digging in my business. How dare they!  - CMHH

At the risk of getting heavy...

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As an artist you must be responsible for the images you create. As a person in general it is important to be in touch w/ your motives. i know that i would make a poor debate partner as it is more important for me to make an eloquent point than to get the facts straight. An artist’s statement is always changing. When developing as an artist you never call yourself one because you’re not there yet. By the time you are, your work has become so Byzantine the Artist label is an easy way out.

+ so, + i’m figuring this out as i write, the personal work that was offered out into the world so tentatively twenty-five years ago, is now flung out w/ confidence + unconcern for the frequent belittler. Not looking back, but ahead + over yonder to fill in more lines to appease my disquieted mind. Make room for more white paper + sharp pencils. Zen says you can not get to truth through reasoning, it is too limiting. There’s a good reason for ya. 

Rest on that.

Start by doing what's necessary, then what's possible, and suddenly you are doing the impossible.  - St. Francis of Assisi 

above - CMHH in Practically Pink / art happening

146
i think i’m pretty sure. 

What do false faces have to do w/ the wrong of the paper? It is true, the more we build up some dreaded thing, the easier it will be, by contrast, when it comes to pass. Part of the human condition is to make commitments + carry through. 

147
We all have the luxury of philosophizing now + again in our daily living. But as intriguing as reasoning to reason is, + the idea of categorizing the act of thinking is, it is also unrealistic for most of us. When i’m looking for something theoretical, i rarely find it by looking. Most of the gems i’ve held onto have come in the state of pre-empting brainwork. i like being surprised by philosophy. When your not expecting it creeps up front + you see an epiphany in a cereal bowl at the sink.

Only those who will risk going too far can possibly find out how far one can go.  - T.S.

An intent of writing is to heal + awaken. Words dancing off the page aiming their medicine into the topical condition  + back to the scribe. Being judged or judged not, supported, or supported not, loved or not.

Dominate cherub so not to hoard the impossibly irresistible troupe disease. 

One of those meaningless mnemonic device sentences that you construct as a list to be able to remember despairing particulars you would otherwise forget if you tried to recall them separately.

An experiment in stream of conscience:...went into the place, left, salt picture too blurry from fade, this is too bright, the books will fall, falling, too late, older than, it worked for Edith Head, check that...mark of Cain, + that, metaphor, is that something, expected but never believed when it happens pull here, dad gum, needs an illustration...

All things being equal, stream of consciousness sounds this side of mad. Rest on that.

...but then using reason doesn't always make sense neither.

i’m tutoring in a second grade class. Math. Those of you know me well can pick yourselves up off the floor. The students are practicing addition + subtraction of 2 digit numbers.

For the visual types, e.g. 57+87=S

A girl in the class quoted me, from when i was her age,
I don't understand where the numbers come from! All caps.

The frustration in her face told me what she was thinking...
She surmised that math had the incarcerated feeling of a straight jacket. There were 9 digits plus 0 to work w/. Only one barbaric correct way. One piss-correct sum for any given problem. We call them problems, don’t we?

Well, she may not have thought these things, exactly. i may have been reading into her furrowed brow.

i wanted to tell her, Don’t worry you’ll probably excel in the literary arts. With the English language you have 26 letters combined in legions of ways. There’s even room to create new words. Plus lots of punctuation. You will meander through, history, mystery,  fiction, auto + biographies, historical fiction, fantasy, science fiction, poetry, nonfiction, fables, fairy tales, myths, reference ... but the bell rang + she had to git.

Deep work w/out being complicated.

Sometimes i continue to read something i can’t understand on to the end, hoping that by the time i’ve pushed through to the finish a grand flash will blind me into understanding in a total holistic way.

Reading on + on without recess to get it is like listening to a lecture w/out a teacher pausing for the students to digest information.

+ so, i am existing in this life lecture w/out pause. One page ahead of comprehension confidently hoping it will kick in.