Like most, i’ve had partitioned + gated chapters in my life. Though i’ve crossed over these low fences w/ ease, sometimes, sometimes not - i forget that all the people i care about do not know each other. i fall victim to thinking they do, how could they not?
The feeling is that i have the same group of friends, reformed in every place i’ve lived. Each group mimicking the next. Sort of like in the film synecdoche ny, where there are players doubling the original people. So, when i share a story to a friend it becomes an introduction to someone - not a shared memory.
i forget you weren’t at the eagle dance on a zuni rez that summer. i had to explain that no matter the why or whose doing it, sometimes all you can do is pray. Not with words but with action.
i forget you weren’t in hong kong experiencing the law brothers + andreas vollenweider’s kitaro. When you punch that music on it sends me back into hk elevators, the smell of acetone + sweaty chrome.
i forget many things, namely if i’m driving on a coast road i’m lost in the not knowing if i’m traveling north on the west coast, or south on the east coast. i need to force myself to consciously observe which side the water is on + remember.
They say it takes a minute to find a special person. An hour to appreciate them.
A day to love them. And an entire life to forget them.
I want to ask you, as clearly as I can, to bear with patience all that is unresolved in your heart, and try to love the questions themselves, as if they were rooms yet to enter or books written in a foreign language. Don't dig for answers that can't be given you yet: you live them now. For everything must be lived. Live the questions now, perhaps then, someday, you will gradually, without noticing, live into the answer.
Worpswede, July 16, 1903
Rainer Maria Rilke
Letter to a Young Poet
You’re not afraid of death?
It doesn't help to say i’m not because you don’t feel that way,
+ it doesn't help to say i’ll die for you, because i cant.
i know all this, that but we can still talk about it.
Anyway, i love you + that’s all i needed to say, hear or wanted to know.
This was a dream.