Revisiting - friends come + go, move away, you exit from theirs. Some you barely know - but cant forget - just walking into a room. Some remain your entire life. i know that times change, people change, relationships evolve + come back around in ways that we never expect, in ways we have no way of imagining.

Welcome the human condition traveling w/out a map or controls - the rest is deva vu and cryptomnesia. It’s all we can do.

Watch those wicked desk vu days - mentors are not always obvious.

What i learned today:

• Hand signals are not universal. 

• Balancing the act is something we come back to again + again.

• Words have changed meaning.

• You never know who’s life you are saving with your work, + you may never know.

Meraki Issue #8 is out and about.

 To my patrons who make the Meraki Issues project happen.

Thank you for your supporting the art work at hand + my work in particular.

                        

 

Reconciling paintings. 

W/ irreconcilable thoughts. 

It doesn’t matter what color i put on the brush it seems to come off as putty, french blue or grayed violet. Those are the colors i work w/ the most at this moment. There must be something missing in my palette as i can mix anything + these three appear. i know color, + it’s not suppose to be this easy. Or so tragic.

If something is so very obvious perhaps it is a truism. But, are all truisms obvious?

What i learned today:

• Wing themes cycle.

• Fabric forgives.

• i only make mistakes when i know what i want.

• There is a potential for options at the quantum field of energy + so responding to energy is bridging the quantum reality as a new normal.

Above: An unfinished reworking of Icarus Descending.

i’m okay with people not knowing my side of the story. i don’t feel the need to prove anything. But all things being equal … 

i just had what i believe to be an identity crisis. Of the worst irrational sorts.

That my entire life had been in-waiting as an imposter. i’m the understudy + the lead has never broken a leg. 

Nothing stuck, i can blame it on moving around a lot, i could blame it on not focusing on one thing to get brilliant w/ it, i can blame it on always focusing on the next thing, the next bright shinny thing. Choices have been a big deal in my life. More directly, having options at any given time has always been important.

But it comes back to me. i made those decisions, every decision. i’m not the forever kind.

So in this morning mopping up after an identity crisis — sadly, all i could think of was to work harder.

i close my eyes, remembering i'm inside the human condition.

 It does become so much easier to run when we believe something is chasing us. But is that more important than waiting for the present to catch up? i’d rather hide behind my work than talk about myself.

Foot the bill + then pay for life as a side project. 

That side project will be a change of mind on the morrow.

Recently a friend forward this: That's me, below, during art school days. Tied to a NYC bank pillar. Early pirate phase, though i did not know it because the mass pirate phase had not caught up + named it yet. 

This seems appropriate to add just before hitting send + publishing.

 Meraki - A word describing doing something with soul, creativity, or love  — when you put something of yourself into what you're doing, whatever it may be.

That whatever-it-may-be comes in infinite packages, everyone has one. Mine is building Meraki Issues. Each quarterly perzine is a deep blend on an overall theme. It’s also a challenging project that keeps me honest + on the rails.

From my seat, making mistakes, collecting images, drafting prose + confessions have always been an important part of what encompasses my studio work. This is the nitty gritty process stuff that may never see the light of day, never hit the gallery, or even become full blown finished. Some ideas are really never meant to leave the studio, don’t you agree? But i believe all the bits deserve a way out. The zine form accommodates.

i stop myself when noticing i’m beginning to fit into a preconceived template. i do think it is important to have a somewhat clear, yet fluid, vision as to what you want from life at different chapters, because life seems ultimately short + one can waste a whole bunch of time rattling around  rather quickly — i'm talking decades. i try to be content wherever i find myself in the process.

I was laying in bed one night and I thought, 'I'll just quit. To hell with it.' And another little voice inside me said 'Don't quit. Save that tiny little ember of spark. And never give them that spark because as long as you have that spark, you can start the greatest fire again.’   -Charles Bukowski 

 You live your life as if it’s real... The evidence accumulates that you’re not running the show. You still have to make choices as if you were running the show, but you make your choices with the intuitive understanding that it’s unfolding as it must... And if you can relax in that...if you can even touch it, or if it asserts itself from time to time, then the invincible defeat is transcended.   -Leonard Cohen

 

A moment of no-truth. 

Overhearing someone heavily editing a photo on a device;

Can you imagine? In the ‘70s -  when you just had to take a good shot?

… + in a fabric store hearing someone talking excitedly about a project. It’s nice to hear someone genuinely thrilled to be sewing.

Life travels along side us + is usually pushing or pulling. The least we can do is stride along - isn't that enough?

i sent a text message that did not get my drift + bounced back spelling options over again + again. i think this is a common plight of folks that can’t get anywhere near the spelling of a word they want to use. i do not like the solution — to only use words you can spell, even though it abbreviates your vocabulary. 

exploring exploiting exploding

Splintered dream of a library art session. i get there + kb has already started his genius piece from a broken broom + folded trash he found in the street on his way to class. There is an old friend in class from Germany. i admire the arch that they had just recently reworked. But, is nothing good enough as it is? 

Lucid dreaming of appreciating something simply as is. 

Thinking of not rethinking schemes to redesign bitterness. 

Does all this make sense if read slowly?

Below: Grounds waiting to become grown up paintings.

i remember where; i was living in Maine, involved w/ building a co-housing artist community. + so, i must remember when. The late ‘80s. i was going through an expressionistic phase + putting auras in drawings. Cartoonish, to be sure. But the work was dead serious. i remembered these - but only found bad detail images of the works on paper. After Koudelka’s captivating photography. It is interesting to figure what was going on when past moments were recorded in your life — as  art is a recording of it.

i heard today via internet that Danny Kaye is only remembered by his aging audience - something profoundly sad about that, if it is true.

IDEA: Of literary devices never used.

IDEA: Nightmare projects listing themselves.

IDEA: Non-sequitur - write a story of a man flip booking through an encyclopedia or switching the tv from channel to channel.  

IDEA: A trilogy that goes together kicking + screaming.

Write about it again … you’re not done with it. 

Someone in the next room trying to get all the attention. 

My attention. 

Did you hear?

It all seems miles away.  

Way random unfinished thoughts + an unanswered questions.

No whistling backstage / the ghost lamp is burning - but i cannot see it because the sun is shining too very much.  

It’s hard to act calm when these may be the end days.

We need more of the simple people in the world. They are the saints. We need saints. Holiness does not mean good - it simply means whole. It encompasses the criminal aspect as well as compassion.

His dive into the river was never edited into the final film. It was left on the cutting room floor + lingered in the memory of the extras not mentioned in the credits.

i’m not very grounded - never been accused of it. Though, i do eat potatoes to try.

More of the above.

Where some saw a lion Heracles saw a coat.

Lack luster contributions have no impact on the whole, nor do they work to diminish it. So, + perhaps, a moot point is made either way. True?

Having an understanding + understanding are twain fucktangent different things.

When did the postman person stop wearing a uniform?

i need to go to bed before i gain a second wind of energy.

 Settled in - but not settling. 

Winter work is thinning + fading w/ the longer days — coming out in spring gets harder + harder each year … until one day it will be unthinkable. i just won’t come back. 

Time goes + wishing i had more physical manifestations of how the hours were spent.

Going back though a bunch of Old Work that i'm not happy with. But, i am not going to rework any of it.

Hell, i can do New Work + not be happy with it.

What i learned today:

War cannot be comprehended because it doesn’t make sense.

In any case, you wanted to see a middle + an end?

There is none. Only this.

An example of heavy-handed lightheartedness.

i watched a concert night before before last. The Utopia band members joined Todd + it was a nice mix of music. It is interesting to hear watershed work. There is so much work to pull from it must be overwhelming — the possibilities to pick + choose + rework what you did not get right the first time, what remains relevant + what changing one word will make relevant now.

A valuable attribute. 

Ah yes! It is bravery when risk is recognized. 

Risk ... fear ... whatever it is ...  a reminder to face it, acknowledge it, + move forward.

 

The Hanzon Studio has used the term Ready-Fire-Aim figuratively over the years. + literally a sign was placed above a door a few decades ago —  one would involuntarily bow to pass under it. In layman’s terms it proclaimed the ability to start before you are altogether ready in order to initiate a beginning. 

i am thinking that it is nice not sit with nerves any longer. Nervous may be in fashion from time to time. It seemed amazing to me years ago, to hear if you don’t give it too much attention, this nervous thing eventually goes away. It has ended up true. Now i wait for that sickly feeling of dread. But the worry never comes. i am not jaded, just at ease. What remains is the slow burn of excitement.

My butterflies use to want to know what to do. Now they no longer need to.

                                                                      

It's not just me, right? 

I’m guessing most humans get side tracked by trying to decipher older notes + scribbles meant to be meaningful additions to their personal repertoire. 

Random thoughts are very clear.

Extrapolating knowledge from a cereal box - every morning it’s the next biggest thing.

A lampshade has been put on the dancer this time + the marley floor has been washed w/ soda as to warn the audience with tac-tacking steps. Keeping the butts awake in case they do not see the long shadows cast from their own seats.

Itchy trigger fingers not waiting for a queue — aiming only to be noticed.  Not a very good reason to fire.

The evolution of the calendar. What type of personality wakes up in the morning w/ the thought of changing the yearly calendar? What some people do in the name of science others do just for kicks.

Daylight dispels the phantoms of the night. In these dark hours are we a generation of dreamers? Or, were we born to a generation of dreamers.

Walking on a dune, i look down onto a desolate shore. Presently kiosks magically appear scattered about near the water — creating ritual opportunities. i can see far off folks taking bleached paper from bamboo cages + folding it into large monarchs.

Others heading toward the shore catch up to me. i become a group, then, the converging crowd overtakes me, walking faster toward the origami monarchs as the delicate wings come to life down near the shore. The butterfly ceremony at the waters edge has been supplanted w/ the masses that presently have woven deep w/in the sandy mob. 

I can almost keep up, but am relishing the view from afar.