i’m okay w/ people not knowing my side of the story. i don’t feel the need to prove anything. But all things being equal … 

i just had what i believe to be an identity crisis. Of the worst irrational sorts.

That my entire life had been in-waiting as an imposter. i’m the understudy + the lead has never broken a leg. 

Nothing stuck. i can blame it on moving around often, i could blame it on not focusing on one thing + get brilliant w/ it, i can blame it on always looking for the next thing, the next bright shinny thing. Choices have been a big deal in my life. More directly, having many options at any given time has always been important.

Everything comes back to me. i made those decisions, every decision. i’m not the forever kind.

So in this morning mopping up after an identity crisis — sadly, all i could think of was to work harder.

i close my eyes + remember i'm inside the human condition.

It does become so much easier to run when we believe something is chasing us. But is that more important than waiting for the present to catch up? i’d rather hide behind my work than talk about myself.

Foot the bill + then pay for life as a side project. 

That side project will be a change of mind on the morrow.

Recently an old friend forward this: That's me, below, during art school days. Tied to a NYC bank pillar. Early pirate phase, though i did not know it because the mass pirate phase had not caught up + named it yet. 

This seems appropriate to add just before hitting send + publishing.

Is silence ever?

We are not retreating - we are advancing in another direction. -Douglas MacArthur

Again w/ the ready fire aim - jumping in at any point to initiate a beginning.

Why bother to go play when already thoughts run wild around guests that politely fume on smoke rings quelling any interest + stealling meaningful time by adhering to the soft clutch of conversation skimming as an oil slick across water straying just out of reach.

Cultivating diversity -

Hone natural abilities that lie on tables tops sliding onto the travertine floor waiting for a chance to escape with a livelihood all their own — only to wait wait wait patiently so very quiet calm collected unnoticed even turning into gelatinous dusty messes unable to perform unable to redeem yea unable to think. -note a/part of me wrote in my croquis two decades ago.

What i learned today:

• It is still useless to use dirty water while using white paint.

• Walking after dusk is relaxing as i do not see what needs to be tended to - while enjoying the white flowers pop.

• It seems the more personal the work the more it becomes a universal agreement. 

• Again, it is harder to make beautiful painting interesting, then a to make an interesting painting beautiful.

While re-watching Leone’s Once Upon a Time in America, i recognized the importance of a secondary scene. Noodles walks into Fat Moe’s bar + hands him a clock key. Fats walks to the stopped grandfather clock + switches time back on* after 30+ years of Noodles absence. This is a clue of Noodles is death + this is his alternative future in his delusion of reprieve state of opium. Just sayin'.

*As in the Victorian practice of stopping a clock at the time of death.

When the opportunity expresses itself stand up + spin around, stepping up to a higher plane recognizing that none of this matters - that is the exhilaration part. Then sit back down + when your eyes close you will remember repulsively to pay the electric bill. 

above: Degrees of Spontaneity in Times of Resistance

                                                                  -30-

Random thoughts and spills. 

But first, a quote from Joey:

The hero is the champion of things becoming, not of things become, because he is. Before Abraham was, I AM. He does not mistake apparent changelessness in time for the permanence of Being, nor is he fearful of the next moment, as destroying the permanent with its change. Nothing retains its own form; but Nature, the greater renewer, ever makes up forms from forms. Be sure there’s nothing perishes in the whole universe; it does but vary and renew its form. Thus the next moment is permitted to come to pass.  

Observations:

#399 My self imposed to-do list is once again, at the moment, manageable. Sending projects on their way w/ little lives of their own. On the other hand; if it’s not going to be finished, this is the week it won’t get done.

What i learned today:

• Security is confidence in leaving an environment + knowing you can come back to it. Constance is comfort. At home it is easy to assume + feel on top of things. When traveling we plunge into uncertainty. We are reminded of this everywhere we turn, everywhere we go. This venture of uncertainty is exciting. Also, de-habilitating. Knowledge gives out, lights go dim. There is a need to be more attentive, do more interpreting, be more intuitive about emirate surroundings.

IDEA: 

Having an emergency at the Emergency 1/4 Mile sign. 

  

Queue to remember memories. 

Memory chained to physical forms.

Rules vs. Expectations

trinket + trick = tricket 

Going upstairs helping an elderly person get to a landing i can't back down. i turn to egress as the escape hatch gets smaller when i move toward the opening. The same landing the next night in the same dream the room turned elevator turned cage turned trapped into a barred coffin.

Random thoughts, or, chewing the re-entry scenery. 

i want to read something real weird + real loud w/out words.

modify that —

Well, maybe something not too weird + not too loud

but defiantly w/out words.

What i learned today:

• It takes up a lot of time to quantify my ignorance. 

• Mixing red + blue paint, still won't make green, every time.

• Waiting for the music to make an S curve sometimes takes a real long time.

• Making the sublime look spontaneous takes more time than one might think.

• Devouring space that is expanding beyond concept devours time.

Tricky connotations, endless denotations. 

Using words to justify something far greater than.

Communication that is more complicated than this + takes more time than i have.